25.5.06
Tired and hesitant, I approach my mind, and knock
There's times I'm not sure if it's me or not. I never liked the way I was different. The noise in my head won't stop. I think, I think, I think. The conversation in my head includes two people. I know who one of them is; he's the guy people who really know me have met. He's the guy that's considered intelligent, somewhat caring, and certainly opinionated. I'm not sure who the other guy is. I think he's the guy I put away when I found out the other kids didn't like him. He's the guy that's okay with the conversation. He's the guy who likes the challenge. He strikes out occassionaly. He HATES the other me. He hates his replacement. He mourns his loss with the world. I'm not afraid of him, he poses no threat to anyone, but I am afraid that I've forgotten him.
It's like a thought I had moments ago. I was looking in the mirror at how blonde and tan I've become. I'm one of those people who reacts very well to the sun and my new job puts me in the sun a lot. I started thinking about yesterday when I went to the movies with my friend Marla. She had noticed how much I had changed due to the sun. It's a more dramatic effect for her because she and I were involved in a "live together" relationship and now we only see each other every couple of weeks. So she not only gets to see great change in me over weeks, but she gets to forget how I've changed and remember me from before. It was interesting to me because she was with me for an hour before she noticed the way I look now. Suddenly she was almost startled by the fact she hadn't noticed. She was simply taking me as she was used to seeing me and not paying attention to the change. She seemed to be struggling to take in my new appearance because she had to erase the me that she knew. I know that this is an overdramatic interpretation of what happened, but it makes me wonder.
Which me am I talking to?
4.5.06
"..and the way the rain comes down hard...that's how I fell inside"
I don't think anyone knows why I truly love the Cure. I've hinted at it to many, but never fully revealed.
I'm stuck almost perpetually in a depression. It follows me and taunts as I look at my life and struggle at the same time with perceived horrors in my world. Lost children and people all around me in everything I hear and read. I have tried to cope and tell myself that it's ok. To tell myself, I don't have to feel all the responsibility, but then I feel as if I have to because clearly no one else is. A book I read called the Gifted Adult explained this effect in people and maybe that's what I feel. It talks about how people like me are too connected to their feelings and the guilt built up from a childhood full of promises of how I would save the world.
Today, and most of the last couple of weeks, I've been escaping into the Cure. There's something about Robert's passiona dn feeling poured into his music that I connect too. Case in point. Open. from the Wish album. The song tells of Robert and his wife going to a party. One of those parties a person in the industry would have to go to, with "so called" friends and industry people. He talks to his wife about the need to "just say hello" and how he promises to leave in less than an hour. He then starts drinking and takes some drugs and the atmosphere all effect him into a state of what I would call "panicked happiness". He then collapses and talks of not being able to stand the way he gets "when my life's going numb".
This connection with being angry because you've "gone numb" explains to me the way I feel. Feeling trapped in trying not to feel this pain for the world that I feel I have a responsibility to carry.
Throughout this song as well as many of Robert's others there is a pain that screams through his guitar, almost against the pain he's expressing (or joy). I'm sure it's partially because I'm such a fan that I hear this, but for me it's there. It's an awe inspring piece of genius the way it's hidden in there. If you decide to hear it, let me suggest you give the live version a listen on "Show".
The lost feeling can also be found on "This is a Lie" on the "Wild Mood Swings" album. Once again there's a better version (the ambient mix) on Join The Dots.
I find solace in his ability to pour out his pain.
Neutral Good characters believe in the power of good above all else. They will work to make the world a better place,
and will do whatever is necessary to bring that about, whether it goes for or against whatever is considered 'normal'.
Half-Elves are a cross between a human and an elf. They are smaller, like their elven ancestors, but have a much shorter
lifespan. They are sometimes looked down upon as half-breeds, but this is rare. They have both the curious drive of humans
and the patience of elves.
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.
Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan!
