The Hairless Cat Espresso Lounge

There's times I'm not sure if it's me or not. I never liked the way I was different. The noise in my head won't stop. I think, I think, I think. The conversation in my head includes two people. I know who one of them is; he's the guy people who really know me have met. He's the guy that's considered intelligent, somewhat caring, and certainly opinionated. I'm not sure who the other guy is. I think he's the guy I put away when I found out the other kids didn't like him. He's the guy that's okay with the conversation. He's the guy who likes the challenge. He strikes out occassionaly. He HATES the other me. He hates his replacement. He mourns his loss with the world. I'm not afraid of him, he poses no threat to anyone, but I am afraid that I've forgotten him.

It's like a thought I had moments ago. I was looking in the mirror at how blonde and tan I've become. I'm one of those people who reacts very well to the sun and my new job puts me in the sun a lot. I started thinking about yesterday when I went to the movies with my friend Marla. She had noticed how much I had changed due to the sun. It's a more dramatic effect for her because she and I were involved in a "live together" relationship and now we only see each other every couple of weeks. So she not only gets to see great change in me over weeks, but she gets to forget how I've changed and remember me from before. It was interesting to me because she was with me for an hour before she noticed the way I look now. Suddenly she was almost startled by the fact she hadn't noticed. She was simply taking me as she was used to seeing me and not paying attention to the change. She seemed to be struggling to take in my new appearance because she had to erase the me that she knew. I know that this is an overdramatic interpretation of what happened, but it makes me wonder.

Which me am I talking to?

I don't think anyone knows why I truly love the Cure. I've hinted at it to many, but never fully revealed.

I'm stuck almost perpetually in a depression. It follows me and taunts as I look at my life and struggle at the same time with perceived horrors in my world. Lost children and people all around me in everything I hear and read. I have tried to cope and tell myself that it's ok. To tell myself, I don't have to feel all the responsibility, but then I feel as if I have to because clearly no one else is. A book I read called the Gifted Adult explained this effect in people and maybe that's what I feel. It talks about how people like me are too connected to their feelings and the guilt built up from a childhood full of promises of how I would save the world.

Today, and most of the last couple of weeks, I've been escaping into the Cure. There's something about Robert's passiona dn feeling poured into his music that I connect too. Case in point. Open. from the Wish album. The song tells of Robert and his wife going to a party. One of those parties a person in the industry would have to go to, with "so called" friends and industry people. He talks to his wife about the need to "just say hello" and how he promises to leave in less than an hour. He then starts drinking and takes some drugs and the atmosphere all effect him into a state of what I would call "panicked happiness". He then collapses and talks of not being able to stand the way he gets "when my life's going numb".

This connection with being angry because you've "gone numb" explains to me the way I feel. Feeling trapped in trying not to feel this pain for the world that I feel I have a responsibility to carry.

Throughout this song as well as many of Robert's others there is a pain that screams through his guitar, almost against the pain he's expressing (or joy). I'm sure it's partially because I'm such a fan that I hear this, but for me it's there. It's an awe inspring piece of genius the way it's hidden in there. If you decide to hear it, let me suggest you give the live version a listen on "Show".

The lost feeling can also be found on "This is a Lie" on the "Wild Mood Swings" album. Once again there's a better version (the ambient mix) on Join The Dots.

I find solace in his ability to pour out his pain.

On my drive to work this morning, listening to the sunday morning law show, I realized something about the drivers and therefore the humans and students around me. There were three cars spanned across the three lane street studied in my view. I realized they were stuck driving the same blocking crap speed. I was frustrated for many miles when, due to a truck like vehicle, I broke free. I was then able to push passed "block this" trio. They were going about 2 miles over the speed limit I with passion tried to crack. As I accelerated through the opening my frustrated, freed humor gathered. I noticed at this point that the two vehicles left were judged by me to accelerate and suddenly travel 8 miles overthe speed limit with me. It can only be attributed to the humanistic tendency to avoid insanity, or the perception of difference, through making their own decisions to what end they become incapable of their own decisions. It leaves me with 13 levels of frustration.

Comment if you "understand".

Just excited about it, so I had to mention it.

Well, 12 or so years ago a friend of mine and I used to give ratings to bathrooms. We'd be at some coffee shop (before the 'bucks craze), or restaurant and one of us would use the facility provided. If the restroom was interesting in either a good or a bad way, that person would send the other to check it out before a conversation would begin. . .

Scott: Ok, I'm gonna score it an 8.75. I really like the layout, you don't feel like it's just a toilet, it's a little place to "be" for a minute, I like the choice between paper towels or air dryer, and it scores extra points for that floor to ceiling mirror where you can check your outfit before you come back out. It loses a full point however for the toilet paper dispenser being mounted so low on the wall that the angle causes it to tear repeatedly while your pulling it out. Also, I had trouble with making the soap dispenser work, and I don't like the trashcan, it didn't match the rest of the room.

Friend: Well, I agree for the most part, but I'm gonna give them half a point deduction for the door on the stall. I didn't like the lock, it was a pain in the ass to operate. So, we end up at 8.25.

Scott: Fair enough.


And thus we would end up with a list of places where we liked the product, atmosphere, and the way the management and owner paid attention to the bathroom. Since that time I have wanted to write a series of restroom reviews and create a newsletter for them. With changes in technology accounted for, I have stepped into the world of restroom blogging.

Off the meds for a couple of weeks now. I feel very different. I have always been a lazy son-of-a-gun, but the drugs seemed to inhibit any desire to feel good about getting things done. I'm only getting things done now because I genuinely enjoy knowing they're done, but at least they're getting done. So on to other news.

Well, the weight issue still hangs there around my waist and ass. However, having an active job really helps. I'm slowly (very slowly) losing a little weight, but progress is progress. Of course I've become an online gamer due to the malicious programmers at Turbine, who have brought my childhood love for Dungeons and Dragons back to me. The game is amazing. Be forewarned that there is a Lord Of The Rings online game coming from the same programmers. In any case, this puts my ass squarely in an office chair at my computer desk almost knightly.

All of this however is more ambitious, joyous, and frankly satisfying than the amount of television I consumed while on the meds.

Speaking of television, it's time for a few thoughts I've wanted to express for a while now.

The West Wing. I believe this show is way beyond being the greatest TV show and in fact creative effort I have enjoyed in my life. Even with the slips in writing after Sorkin left the show, the characters and patterns he created live on with tremendous strength. I have come to respect these characters in an almost younger sibling way. Sorkin's brilliance is real characters who deliver lines with paragraphs hidden behind them. I just wanted to take this short moment to thank Sorkin, Bradley Whitford, and Martin Sheen for delivering the characters of Josh and President Bartlet to me. I would also like to thank John Spencer for his brilliant portrayal of Leo, and use this moment to mourn his passing.

My weight is about the same. I haven't really started a diet and exercise program. The holidays make it somewhat difficult, but I've done a great job of controlling it, and taming my hunger. So, it looks promising as I go into the planned diet and a new job.

I went two weeks without meds for my psoriasis and boy was that fun. I hadn't paid for my insurance yet, and when I sent them a check, it took a while to go through, so I was without coverage for a while. This meant my medicine would have cost about $200 that I did not have. Anyways, short story is, I've been through some of the worst pain in my life. It feels like the world's worst indian burn. It covers about 15-20% of my skin, and it's in the worst places. The waist is probably the most painful, as my pants are the tightest there. I won't go into details. Suffice it to say it's also the most humiliating and depressing experience of my life.

Let's not mention the fun of trying to exercise when it hurts to move. Most exercise, I've found, causes your pants to rub your waist. Not good.

However, I am trying to remain strong. I met a girl who seems nice, but I haven't gotten to go back to her work and see her again. The holidays. We didn't really hit it off or anything, but she was nice to talk too. Not a lot of joy in talking to a girl in my condition, but maybe if she's around in half a year or so, assuming I make some progress with this stuff.

I'm looking forward to a job starting soon, ColorSpot Nurseries. Should be right down my line. I don't know if I mentioned it before. That starts officially on New Year's Day. I don't know if we're going out that day or not. Should be fun either way. I like getting out. Only, it's supposed to keep raining, so that may keep us in simply with nothing to do. Probably a good day to learn some paperwork.

Anyways, I promised I'd keep some updates on my condition and depression, so that was it.

PS. I am still planning to get in to backpacking, but right now that seems physically impossible. I'm giving these meds about another week before the doctor gets a real angry "We're gonna do something more drastic right now!" call. I'll let you all know.